Courtesy Megan Feldman Bettencourt
Local author Megan Feldman Bettencourt discusses how Denver is a trailblazer when it comes to forgiveness.
Megan Feldman Bettencourt's book, Triumph of the Heart: Forgiveness in an Unforgiving World, launches this month from Penguin Random House.
As a journalist, you've chosen to focus on stories of people who have confronted and overcome severe trauma. What sparked this in-depth investigation into forgiveness?
For a magazine, I profiled a father who forgave his son's killer. At the time, I was feeling disappointed personally and professionally -- basically feeling sorry for myself. I was taken aback that someone could forgive something so huge, and it made me feel small in comparison. As more of a grudge-holder by nature, I wanted to know more - what forgiveness is, how people do it in different situations, how seeking and granting it might be made more common in our society.
What are some common misconceptions about forgiveness and what did your journey across the U.S. and Rwanda teach you about what forgiveness actually is?
I find that most people confuse forgiveness with excusing or condoning an offense -- they think that if you forgive, you won't seek justice by suing or pressing charges, for instance. This confusion has been perpetuated in part by instances of authorities, often religious ones, pressuring victims of violence, usually sexual assault, to "forgive” -- but by "forgive" they mean declining to report abuse or file a complaint.
In terms of etymology, the best definition of forgiveness that I found was "giving up resentment." You can do that and still file charges, and you can do that without reconciling, too. A lot of people think that if you forgive, you have to resume a relationship with someone. I disagree. You can relinquish resentment, even wish that person well, while choosing not to have contact if that's the healthiest option for you. But of course, forgiveness -- the seeking and granting of it -- can set the stage for reconciliation.
One of my most profound discoveries was that there are levels of forgiveness, just as the Jewish philosopher Maimomedes defined levels of giving. The baseline is giving up resentment. But I met people who not only gave up resentment, they reached out to befriend someone who had taken something precious from them (in one case in Rwanda, a man had murdered an entire family, and he only became remorseful once he was forgiven by the sole surviving family member). Those were the stories that I found the most fascinating.
What are the benefits of forgiveness and how can practicing it impact our day-to-day lives?
Physiologically, forgiveness is linked to better health (less risk of heart attack and high blood pressure). Psychologically, forgiveness is linked to optimism, more positive mood, and lower rates of depression and anxiety. A burn surgeon I profile in the book even found that when he talked to this burn patients about forgiveness, the skin grafts would take more easily and they would recover more quickly.
In the day-to-day, being as neutral, compassionate and nonreactive about our own faults and those of others is so important. We've already discussed the negative health impacts of blaming others, and of course we don't have to go farther than the daily news to see how blame fuels violence around the world. But self-blame is detrimental, too. We know from research that self-compassionate people tend to be happier, healthier, more resilient to stress, and more highly rated as compassionate by their relationship partners. I think learning to be compassionate and forgiving with ourselves is one of the great ongoing challenges in life.
You profiled schools and communities that have seen impressive results by using "restorative justice" and "restorative practices." Could you explain what that is and how Denver fits into the state and national stage as far as implementing those?
Restorative justice refers to a collection of tools and practices that are used to mediate conflict and repair the harm caused by crime. It includes things like victim-offender conferences, in which perpetrators must hear the impact of their actions and have the opportunity to apologize and offer reparations, which make forgiveness more likely. These practices have been proven to reduce recidivism and prevent victims from seeking revenge, or even wanting to seek revenge. In some cases they result in reconciliation. People have taken these tools and are using them in schools, where they diffuse conflict, reduce suspensions and fighting, and even prevent conflict to begin with.
Denver is ahead of many cities because the legislature passed a law in 2007 that created the Colorado Restorative Justice Council. The council provides assistance and education related to restorative justice programs and includes appointees from all areas of government, from the juvenile justice system and department of public safety to the district attorney's offices and non-profits. I met an extraordinary Denver woman who through one of these programs met the man responsible for killing her toddler son by crossfire. She told me that forgiving this man -- who is still in prison -- has enabled her to live without bitterness and depression. She has become an advocate for restorative justice in general, and for forgiveness in particular.
You write in the book about a Denver program that helps at-risk youth forgive themselves and others. Could you tell us about that?
Yes -- Colorado Youth at Risk provides mentoring for children who have grown up amid poverty and violence. Each year, they do this incredible retreat in the mountains that I was privileged to attend. I don't want to say too much because it's such an incredible scene in the book, but basically, these teenagers do an activity that is extremely moving --one that involves true forgiveness of self or others -- and when they leave, they're forever changed. I know I was.
To learn more about Triumph of the Heart: Forgiveness in an Unforgiving World, and to order a copy or attend a local reading, visit Megan Feldman Bettencourt online at www.meganfeldman.com.
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